I must admit this topic comes up a lot in my head, i'm always thinking "Am i reliable to people around me?" to the point that it affects my interaction with people.Sometimes i withdraw myself from social gatherings just so i could reflect upon myself and my rights to socialise with people. Apart from that i tend to think negatively about things around me surrounding my family and my friends.All this feelings could only be express in this blog which is my only source of expression in my world because no matter how much i try to express in my ways, people always gets the wrong message for example would be this evening at 7.15pm singapore time, i ask my mom why did she prepared dinner later, her reply was somehow different to my question, she told me that we never prepare food for guest during Hari Raya. Now this reply was very odd because what i ask was dinner at the present time and not about festivities food.So this comes off to me as unreliable because everyone of my questions has always been answered the same way by her so i tried to talk to her about it but as usual it ended the wrong way.
Another was that i asked her opinion on how to solve a problem that i currently have by giving her a table which i usually use for gaming i ended with a square shape table that consists a lower half that would not fit my 24 inches PC-TV. So being an ignorant one, i ask my mom on her opinion or in this case a solution that would help me with my problem but my mom reply was of one that really let me down and has lower down my self-esteem by a bit. You see i have this belief that a good child comes from good parents. In my case, i am apparently one of the worst child raised ever because based on past experiences and dealings with my mom who single-handedly raise me, i realise i have a very very unreliable mom who depends on others and her own spouse to do most of the thinking and despite all my positive thinking about her, her reply was one that disappoint me by far and has hurt my positive feelings i had about her. i told her that she's old and could not think anymore is saddening and her reply was that yes she's old and she could not think. i could only reply to her with sadness in my heart is "i thought i could rely on you, i thought you were old and wise but apparently you are not"
Her statement was one i could not let go of..Being old and making many mistakes, i thought she would have wise up over the years but i was greatly mistaken. Apparently being old does not equal to being wise. This was the glass-shattering truth that hits upon me, i was raised by an unreliable woman who my brains was born from, who i thought myself as pretty smart but sadly..it was just all wishful thinking on my part
You may think "Hey think positive! Now that you know you can change your whole outlook on life!" which is precisely what i am going to do! i am going to be a responsible person from now on! POSITIVE THINKING YO!
PS: but the matter with my mother is one i highly doubt that can be solve anymore. I give up.
